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From someplace I received a
series of children’s comments on marriage and family life.
Children were answering a variety of questions. The first
question was “How do you decide who to marry?” Ten-year-old
Allen said, “You find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports.
And she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Or Kirsten, age
10, said, “No person really decides before they grow up who
they’re going to marry. God decides it all, way before, and
you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Another question was “What is
the right age to marry?” Camille, 10 years old, answered,
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
forever by then.” Six-year-old Freddie said, “No age is good
to get married. You gotta be a fool to get married.”
Three more questions you might
find interesting. One was the question, “How can a stranger
tell if two people are married?” Eight-year-old Derek
answered, “You might have to guess, based on whether they seem
to be yelling at the same kids.” Or the question, “What do you
think your mom and dad have in common?” Eight-year-old Lori
answered, “Both don’t want any more kids.” Or finally, “Is it
better to be single, or married?” Nine-year-old Anita
answered, “It’s better for girls to be single, but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
Today is the beginning of
National Family Week in the church. What constitutes a family?
There are more answers to that question than we realize. There
is the single parent family, and the two-parent family. There
is also the stepfamily and the blended family. Some people
live in a three or four generation family. There is also the
empty nest family. Bill Cosby once said, “Human beings are the
only creatures on earth who allow their children to return
home.” Finally, but not exhaustively, there is the adoptive
family, and the foster family.
Or think outside the box for a
moment. What else might constitute a family?
Can the single person living
alone still be a family? They live alone because of death,
divorce, or by choice. What about a married couple with no
children? My father-in-law told us this past week about a home
in Crafton that housed 7 unmarried siblings living without
parents. Is that a family? What about two men in a committed
relationship who have children in the home? Or two women in a
committed relationship with one or two children?
Or consider this option. Four
elderly women live together in adjoining apartments at the
same retirement village. They have eaten lunch and dinner
together every day for the past five years. Are they a family?
What about this definition of a
family: two or more people who share a huge piece of each
other’s lives?
What constitutes an authentic
family? Is it any wonder that phrases like “family values”
seem imprecise? Thumb through the Bible for material on family
values. You will find very little.
You will find more in the Old
Testament than in the New. The Old Testament lesson for today
(Deuteronomy 6:1-9) is one such example. But there are a lot
of mixed messages as well. Consider the story of Abraham,
patriarch of Judaism—the founder of the Judeo-Christian
tradition. Abraham had a beautiful wife named Sarah. While he
was in Egypt, he lent his wife to the king, telling the king
that she was his sister. Eventually the king returned Sarah to
Abraham. In their marriage they were childless, so Sarah
suggested a second wife. “Why don’t you marry my Egyptian maid
Hagar?” she said. So Abraham did. Abraham and Hagar had a son
by the name of Ishmael. Then Sarah got jealous because Abraham
seemed to be showing more attention to Hagar than to her. She
forced Hagar and Ishmael into banishment.[i]
The story proceeds from there. It’s a story that “Focus on the
Family” might choose not to tell.
The New Testament has even less
on family values than the Old Testament. In Luke 14:26 Jesus
says, “Whoever comes to me and does not hate his father and
mother, his wife and brothers and sisters, cannot be my
disciple.” What is that about?
Jesus deals with his own family
in a somewhat unflattering way. There is the day when Jesus’
mother and brother come looking for him. People tell him that
they are outside asking for him. Jesus’ response is
interesting. He says, “Who is my mother and who are my
brothers?” Then, pointing to the disciples he said, “Here are
my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my
Father in Heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”
(Matthew 12:48-49) Jesus implies that your family is not
necessarily your biological family, but rather the community
of believers. When Jesus calls his disciples he says,
essentially, “Leave your families and follow me.”
For Jesus the family is not
always a mother and father and 2.6 children—although that is
certainly celebrated and affirmed. The family is a household
where love rules—where loving gentleness, patience, and
encouragement are the ideals.
That brings us to our text for
today: “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one
another. By this shall all persons know you are my disciples,
if you have love one for another.” (John 13:34-35) The word
“family” does not appear in this text. But love is the central
trait of a Christian home or household. Jesus says, “Love each
other, and therefore be one of my disciples."
What will improve family life
in America? A return to the traditional family? Perhaps. But
stronger than any of this, I believe, is the return to a
God-centered presence in every home that is strong enough to
radiate out into the larger community. That is the durable,
desirable, home improvement.
Look with me at several of the
higher qualities in home improvement.
LOVE
First and always is the word
love—not romantic love, not superficial love, not even
brotherly or sisterly love. Rather this is something the Bible
calls “self-giving love.” It needs to be present in every
family structure.
I read a story about a couple
named John and Margie who were married in 1941. They were both
tough and rugged people, raised on the farmlands of America.
Together they had high hopes of becoming the biggest onion
growers anywhere in the United States.
However, four years after they
were married and after two children, Margie was struck down
with polio. She spent the rest of her life in an iron lung. It
was the shattering of their life’s dream—while they were both
young, vital, and in their twenties. There was no one to keep
the house, to raise the children—no one to be a real partner
with John, or to share his bed. John had to give up his
lifelong dream of being a farmer, and come inside to take care
of Margie and the children.
Many years later, when John and
Margie celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary, a
man asked John how he had done it for all of these years. John
answered simply, “I’m a Christian, and we try to keep our
promises. And besides, I love her.”
A few years after Margie died,
their son, John, asked how he had done all he had done over
all those years. Again the answer was simple, “I never thought
about doing anything else. You just do it, and God helps you.”
Self-giving love is the theme
of God’s revelation in Jesus Christ. It applies to families.
I read a story about a wedding
where the bride started down the aisle on the arm of her
father. Halfway down, her stepfather got up and walked with
her on the other side. Both men stood with her at the altar.
When the minister asked, “Who presents this woman to be
married to this man?” they replied in unison, “We do, along
with her mother.”
Here were two men who knew how
to turn pages and celebrate life. This was a gentle,
persuasive love. Remember one of the places in the New
Testament where people are amazed by all they see the
Christians doing? One of the things they say about the
Christian community is illustrative. They cry out in
exclamation, “See how these Christians love one another.”
Self-giving love is at the
heart of the Christian home.
ENCOURAGEMENT
The second important word is the
word encouragement or affirmation.
In a Washington, DC toy store,
there was a large poster revealing the changing advice to
parents over the past decades. It reflects some of the
confusion that comes to child rearing. Listen to these choice
perceptions.
1910 – spank them
1920 – deprive them
1930 – ignore them
1940 – reason with
them
1950 – love them
1960 – spank them
lovingly
1970 – to heck with
them
1980 – buy them off
1990 – try to get
them to buy you off
It’s a strange list. Note there
is nothing in there about encouragement. The Biblical word is
to “build one another up” and to do so in love.
A man boarded a plane one day at
the airport and noticed that the person in the pilot seat was
a woman. He probably wouldn’t have thought much about it
except that the flight attendant saw him looking in and
commented, “This is her first time to be a pilot. She’s been a
co-pilot for two years and now today she’s a pilot for the
first time.”
The man was a little uneasy,
although he had no reason to distrust her abilities. He found
his seat, in front of a man and a boy who were talking in
highly animated conversation. As the plane started to taxi,
the man and the boy got very quiet. A few minutes later the
plane took off flawlessly and soared toward the heavens. The
boy behind the traveler cried out in a loud voice, “Way to go,
Mom! Way to go!” Apparently the man was the pilot’s husband
and the little boy was her son.
Remembering to say, “Way to
go—I appreciate you—we appreciate you” is so very important in
the Christian home. It’s especially important in a church
family. Each week the staff of this church signs a good many
cards of affirmation and appreciation to many of you in the
church. It’s our way of saying, “Way to go.” Sometimes it’s
repetitious, but it’s what a family does.
PATIENCE
The third key ingredient for
the Christian home is patience. Patience is not always easy to
exercise, but it is always a crucial ingredient.
A little girl was being driven
to school by her mom, who happened to be a medical doctor. As
they traveled the short distance to the school, the little
girl reached into her mother’s black bag and put on the
stethoscope and started playing with it. The mother thought to
herself, “Be still, my heart. My daughter wants to follow in
my footsteps.” It was then that she heard her daughter say,
“Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?” Perhaps this
mom will have to wait a while longer. Patience is the key
ingredient in a Christian home.
Someone once said,
“Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your
children.” We laugh at that, but we also know some of what
that means.
The patience is not always
patience on your own strength. Hear me on this. Patience is
resourced by God—the God who said through the Apostle Paul,
“My strength is sufficient for you.” Patience is not always
easy. Sometimes we throw up our hands. Unless—as Walter
Wangerin points out—“…unless that home, that family, that
marriage can draw upon Christ, whose capacity to forgive
outlasts and exhausts our propensity to sin, to spill, and to
screw up; and who said to his friends, with whom he had made
his home, ‘Try loving each other like this.’”
Can you draw upon Christ, that
we might learn to do what it is not normally in our nature to
do?
Love, encouragement, and
patience—three things that are a part of the Biblical family
values. And they are part of those family values no matter
what specific constellation comprises the household.
I read a story about a homeless
family who was being interviewed by a social worker. The
family was dirt poor. They had literally nothing. The social
worker interviewed the parents for a little while, and then
asked permission to talk to the little girl. She introduced
herself to the child, asked her name, asked a little bit about
where she was in school and learned that the child was in the
first grade. Then the social worker said this; “Can I ask you
a personal question?”
“Sure,” the little girl
replied.
“How does it feel to not have a
home?”
The little girl’s eyes opened
wide, and she said, “Oh no, you don’t understand. We have a
home. We just don’t have a house to put it in.”
Happy the home—no matter what
its makeup—when God is there. Happy the home where love,
encouragement, and patience rule, resourced by the presence
and power of the living Lord.
[i] See Genesis, Chapter 11 ff.
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